Don't Bow[e]l Me Over With Socialized Medicine

Apologizes ahead of time for deviating a whole bit off the subject of our mission, but this information will delight those of you (Amber, Jim, & Seth to name a few) who go on the rampage about socialized anything.

As you know, England has a socialized medical system whereby everyone gets medical care. WHEN one gets the medical care is the question. It depends on what procedure you are waiting for and whether it is considered an emergency. For a person in pain, being on the waiting list for a hip replacement, for instance, can seem like an eternity--which it actually is if it takes a couple of years to get one. Yet, the up side to this is, some people in the United States have never been able to get a hip replaced because they cannot afford it. Arguments can go both ways, I suppose. Even some Brits tell us we don't want to go to an 'ospital here, but I'll take that with a grain of salt since I haven't experienced one and shouldn’t judge on hearsay.

The National Health Service of Britain sent me a notice of something they wished me to do, which is rather, er, inconvenient. The directions said if I was a certain age I should do this so they could see if the results warranted a follow up colonoscopy. If I'd had one of these in the past two years, I should call and get my name taken off of the list.

I called the nice lady to remove my name so they wouldn't be expecting a sample from me. She argued with me to go ahead and do it anyway. I argued back that I was following instructions and did not need the procedure done for five more years because I was current in all things related to bowel inspections. She insisted I take advantage of this wonderful gift from the Health Service. "FINE! I'll mail in the nasty stuff if you want it that bad," I says to meself.

A few days later, I found in the post a tidy package to take my "bowel motion" samples in, which are to consist of three different specimens of different "motions." There is a nice mailer in which to return the samples. The samples are spread on a cardboard slide with a cover that can be sealed over each one (you can imagine the procedure before the samples actually get to the slide, since each bit that is taken cannot be taken from a motion that has hit the water).

Within days, they informed me I was free and clear needing no follow up, but to remember to get the "motion" swipe done in another two years, unless I turn 70 years of age. In that case, forget it; they apparently don't care if you die after that.